Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
