i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
