in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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