What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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