If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
