people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
