Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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