Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
