Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
porn star boner night. come get it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
