Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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