What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
