I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
