the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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