If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
