i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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