Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
try to milk me bitch
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
