i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
