I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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