Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
