Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
