I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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