im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
