Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
