she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
