I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
