ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
