I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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