Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
