All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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