dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
