I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Found the puke drawer
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
