My hand turned me down
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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