i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
