I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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