My Higher Power is John Stamos
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
