Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
