I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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