Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
