apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
