he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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