so that wasnt chicken after all
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
