I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
