just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
