In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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