Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
