In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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