Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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