Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
