we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
