Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
