So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
